The Vietnam War occupied a strange place in my imagination when I was growing up. It always seemed odd to me just how many films the Americans made about a war that they clearly didn’t win. Every one I saw was peppered with the bad guys - people fighting for their right to control their own country and destiny - getting blown up in creative ways by Chuck Norris. I saw Willem Dafoe get a heroic death scene in Platoon (SPOILER ALERT). I witnessed the colossal Marlon Brando being elegantly lit in Apocalypse Now, never realising it was to hide his morbid obesity.



And I played games where you “did your mission” and “got out alive”! It made me wonder if the people making these productions were either deluded, or had gathered together every time the US had won in Vietnam and made a showcase. It was then that I learned the power of a phrase that has had me calling bullsh*t in the cinema ever since: “Based on a True Story.”, whereas a more accurate description could have been: “Waved Vaguely in the Direction of a True Story.” It is from that bygone era of jungles, leeches and guerilla warfare that I bring you my look back at P.O.W. - Prisoners of War - an experience in cognitive dissonance.



Like every other twit I knew, the first time I saw the title of the game I remember saying POW! I should have known that ADD was not far off. Glancing closer I read “Prisoners of War”… Eh? You mean the guys that eventually got caught…? Why would I want to play as them? Then I remembered, Chuck Norris! Okay, let’s play. Yaaay! Here we go. I get to be just like Chuck Norris! I’ll break out of jail! KABOOM! I’ll frag the baddies! POW! (Heh, pow) and then I’ll esc- FLOOR! Oy! You can’t punch me. That’s not how the movie works. FLOOR! Seriously? I demand to see the director. KNIFE! DEAD! CONTINUE? Yer darn tootin’ I am! An hour later and pocketmoneyless, I watched others play and soon learned - like the war it was set in - P.O.W. was a difficult experience. And the version you played - arcade or NES - dictated the story you were assaulted by.



In the arcade version, you play as Blue or his twin brother Red (recycling, yay! Cheap SNK swine). The game begins as you light the fuse on explosives that I shudder to think how you smuggled them into your cell. There’s a guard-summoning kaboom and away we go. The guards arrive... and they’re fighting you hand to hand. Who captured you? The local dojo? You pummel numpties for a while but it doesn’t take long before some guy arrives fresh from the kitchen to play knifey-knifey on your oesophagus. But have no fear for you and your brother have used your prison time to learn many a fighting attack like Punch, Kick, Jump Kick, Backward Punch and Headbutt! All of which flies out the window once you acquire a machine gun off that one gaumless guard that finally waddled over to see what all the commotion was about. After exiting the prison complex, you trundle across the courtyard where men on motorcycles try to run you down (machine gun says no). This is then followed by some tanned soldiers throwing grenades and running away. I get the feeling that someone lied to them about the badassery of their bomb- KABOOM! DEAD! Sigh.



Other things that vexed me about this game was how the port to NES not only gave you better skills, like throwing grenades and neddlepoint, but had a storyline that felt as though the writer had sampled very special fungi. Here’s the “updated” backstory, according to the manual I found. Feel free to play heroic music in the background while reading this.

Your code name is Bart. You are a captain of the Army Special Forces Unit "M". Your mission is to infiltrate GOON (Government of Offensive Network), a subversive organization whose aim is to break up the international economy and establish a worldwide smuggling ring. You will accomplish this by purposely being captured and imprisoned in their "escape-proof" armed camp. You'll have to fight your way out with your bare fists - but if you can break into the ammunition depot, you'll find grenades, knives, and M-16's to tip the odds in your favour. Your goal is to find and eliminate the leaders of GOON before they can carry out their diabolical scheme!



This version is one player only, because I guess sacrificing your twin brother to the processor gods was all Nintendo could do to stop the fanbelt flying off their 8-bit wonder machine. What is interesting about all this is that your commanders seem to know way too much about the enemy and where they hide their silverware. Then I remembered a similar recurring theme in the arcade game: That Damned Helicopter. From the get go, you’re not only chased around by Cubans - Vietcong aren’t that tanned - you’re hassled by this helicopter.



When it isn’t dropping grenades, grunts and Spetnaz units at your feet to play knifeblock on your spleen, it’s following you around like the some passive-aggressive mechanical terrier. All this insanity is wrapped up when, after radioing for help, you’re retrieved by the very same helicopter that’s been harassing your taint all day! Does that mean all this was a training exercise? If so, it’s going to be really awkward when you get back to base and have to explain to all your army buddies why Jeff, Tom, Flint, Larry, Bubba and Steve are very dead from a severe case of bullets.

But wait, there’s more. When you finally reach and defeat the end-of-game boss - a General I have named El Presidente - you radio for help and that’s when the biggest bomb gets dropped. Unlike the NES blurb… your boy isn’t named Bart… Oh no… His name is SNAKE! I’m nowhere near kidding! Snake! As in Snake “Iroquois’ Pliskin; You’ve failed a mission SNAAAAAAAAAKE! Does that mean your twin two-player brother is Liquid?! Considering this game came out a year after Metal Gear, it seems obvious where SNK drew its “inspiration” from. I see you’ve got a severe case of SEGA-itis.



PROS:
Genuinely difficult and required strategy to win.
Your name is Snake.
Death to El Presidente!

NITPICKING:
The learning curve sometimes feels like a loopdeeloop.
That. Damned. Helicopter.
SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

Prisoners of War was a fun turn to take down wargame alley. It had challenges, some of them intentional, and it made you feel the way games were supposed to make you feel: Like a hero.