Dateline: 1939! It’s two months before the Japanese attack Pearl Harbour and let the USA get their War on in the biggest way. Meanwhile, private detectives Rick and Allen are about to experience the sort of case that will make men’s knees shake and their stomachs tremble… probably they’ll be kicking the baddies in their groins! It is the time of the wrench and the lead pipe; of kidnapped daughters and steampunk shenanigans… It is the time of 64th Street!



I’ve often wondered about the logic behind side scrolling beat-‘em-ups: you’re a guy/girl fighting for truth, justice and the Chaotic Good way. You fight with your fists, and the occasional pole, knife or rock. And just so fair’s fair, so do the bad guys. Right there, I want to live in this world. Consider the savage gentility of such a place: no guns, not even for the villains. Everything is settled with your fists – there’s no budgetary advantage because you can’t buy talent. Your natural abilities bolstered with training set you apart from the rest allowing you to pummel rather than perforate for either good or ill. On the flipside, the money a villain would spend on lackeys to do their fighting would be astonishing, especially when fighting a righteous foe capable of coming back from the dead. (bless you, Continue button.)

By the time the head honcho was off to hire another collection of disposable employees, he would realise that a crate of guns would have paid for themselves several times over. And so, we have the oddball world of 64th Street – a mixture of film noir gumshoe sensibilities coupled with a tinge of steampunk insanity.



It’s October 3rd, 1939; an idle Tuesday till a rich businessman barges into Detective Rick’s office. “My daughter has been kidnapped!” he exclaims. “I got this letter from the kidnappers. Please rescue her.”

Almost immediately, Rick sees an advertisement in the Classified section and links it with the case and explains to his apprentice Allen that a criminal organization has hidden secret coded messages in several advertisements. (Kidnapping Suspect Number One: Rick).

With the clue trail established, you choose between your two heroes and commence “detecting”. Rick does this by stepping outside his office and immediately punching the first guy he sees. I’m starting to understand why Rick isn’t a cop. That, and his choice of violet shirt and shoes, rust trousers and lemon-yellow tie means that all that clashing is bound to spill onto the streets. Having beaten everyone within a country mile, he makes his way to the next stage. *Note: there are no civilians on the street, just Rick and the ‘henchmen’. Could Rick have done this whole rampage before? Who really is the villain here? Considering the bad guys are dressed in a mixture of 80’s hip-hop and pirate outfits, perhaps Rick is the enforcer for the fashion police.



One of this game’s mechanics I love is that property damage equals prizes. And what prizes they are! Should you fling an enemy into an undamaged wall, you could be rewarded with either cake, a fountain pen, a jewelled necklace or a sleeping cat. Yes… because in the 30s, cats gave so little of a damn about the affairs of humans that they couldn’t be roused to run from a multi-person beating. Your first boss fight happens inside a cavernous bus with a hammer-swinging pink and purple villain that you beat black and blue.

Disinformation! The onscreen text says that when you left your offices, you were attacked by the organization, the criminals already aware of your plans to save a rich man’s loin droppings. Riiiight. I know who threw the first punch, bub. Anyway, onward to Smuggler’s Wharf. With a name like that, you’d think there was better policing. This is the same logic behind all those “Hijacking Hotspot” signs you’ll see in Johannesburg. Oy.

After pummelling your way through the entire cast of the Pirates of the Caribbean and the occasional boxer – complete with taped hands and Rocky Balboa jaw – you battle a pink bolero-jacket-wearing pirate with a pegged leg and a hooked hand who couldn’t be pirating harder if he were a [censored]. It’s then that the plot takes a turn for the oddball as the screen text tells you that you’ve found robotic parts on board. WHAT?! This is 1939, right? So, the parts were smuggled in illegally and are now on a train, thus Rick heads over to intercept it, leaving logic and reality bleeding in the hold, next to the pirate.

After assaulting the train yard and every person in it, you fight two of the biggest twins I have ever seen, wearing shades of purple and green so luminous, you could use them as navigation waypoints. Having battered them, you find another clue! A steel company called Legacy has their logos all over the robotic parts… the same company that placed all those classified ads. Rick is starting to sound like those disgruntled employees that blow up their former employees. Is the client who hired him real? I mean, Allen hasn’t been seen since the office… Could all this be going on in Rick’s unemployed mind? Who cares?! On to the Secret Factory where you get to fight a few dozen Jet Li clones until your boss fight with some steam-powered robots! No, they’re not former Valve employees that were experimented on for demanding work begin on Half-Life 3. No, they’re criminals that answered those pesky classified ads and were turned into robot warriors through surgery… Silly me.



You head to The Headquarters – seriously, how did the villains operate with this naming convention? Several dozen personal space violations later, you fight the elevator operator right after he turns into a Japanese kabuki theatre performer…? There isn’t enough Ritalin in the universe for this moment. Then you board a blimp carrying the Legacy executives making their escape faster than you can say: “Goodbye, Mr Bond!” Here, you fight the entire cast, two robots and a guy with a pool cue. I’m guessing the execs have since committed suicide by jumping off because that’s where the game ends. You find the girl, the reason for her kidnapping is never explained and you float off into the sunrise on your new blimp saying, “Let’s make like birdies and fly.” How much Acid were you on, Jaleco?!

PROS:
A world without guns.
Easily thwarted criminal organization that labels its illegal contraband.
Fist fights for everyone!
Elevator operator by day, Kabuki Henchman by Night!

NITPICKING:
But why the kidnapping?
Where are the cops?
(Besides every geek I know) Who signs up to be turned into a steam-powered robot?

64th Street was a welcomed break from the monotony of school life in the 90s – you could dive into a word where one person could save the day with just their wits and their fists. Face it, if a cop tried that today, the volume of butt-hurt-fuelled criminals screaming about police brutality from their safe spaces would completely drown out such an achievement. You can play this for free on archive.org so go and go now, because someone must keep the world safe from those steam-powered robots.