Welcome back. Last time, Agent Willmore had just found his partner, Cook, knocked out on the floor. You find out that Skully’s laptop is missing too. Curse! I was going to peruse her browser history! Dammit Cook, you had one job! The phone is ringing, and it's more good news. The fisherman you interviewed has been shot. At the warehouse, you meet a coroner being played by a cliché and he tells you how the Wong died, but your wang spots the lead detective and Helloooo nurse! (Animaniacs reference for the more recently born.)
She’s Detective Astadourian (what?). You check out Wong’s boat and learn that for a fisherman he was poorly equipped. There’s no fishing gear but does have a buttload of illegal drugs. Perhaps he was stalker-fishing, where you get ripped and stare at the fish till they surrender. Further clues lead you to another boat – if this keeps up, we’ll find the Titanic. The Tarakan was a fishing boat that looks like it was flambéed from the outside, killing the crew. It gets creepier when you find their shadows burned into the hull. That’s one angry fish.
You also find a big metal ball… however, the log book is in Russian so no answers are to be found there. Before you can ask where the other ball is, the coroner calls. Because this game runs on TV time, she’s already done with Wong. Performance issues, big fella? The autopsy reveals Wong was riddled with more than just bullets. Several types of cancer were nuking him. Eeew! You request to see the remains of the Tarakan crew and learn they’ve stepped out. So, there’s Zombies too?! This game is awesome! Also, Mulder and Skully were here and Skully went poking around in the dead guys… EEEEW! Detective Hello Nurse decides that since this is clearly the fault of evil smugglers, that she and Willmore should work together. Easiest choice ever.
Smiles evaporate when Cook’s fingerprints show up on the Tarakan! Dun Dun Duuun! That shmuck! He comes over to your place in a huff and the two of you give each other a right royal tongue lashing. Oooh, my nerves are shattered. You then head off to a stakeout where SAVE or die seems to be the order of the day. Some evidence (dude, you just stole trash from a trucker) points to an address that’ll be useful later. The next morning, Detective Hotness comes by to show you a videotape… That’s a little forward. Oh, it's evidence.
You see Mulder stopping at a petrol station, getting out of his car and cooking some dude with a full body death ray… Impressive road rage. Also, the translated Tarakan logs reveal that the crew observed an unexplained object… OOOO! It sounds like aliens to me! Naturally, its back at the morgue, you discover the trucker’s wounds are the same as the Tarakan crew… Something really has it in for blue collar workers. You investigate (game speak for break in) the hauling yard he worked for and meet someone… different. Some guy with oil in his eyes throws you and Detective Yum-Yum around an office then locks you in… with a BOMB! This security guard really takes his job seriously. You bash your way out in time to see the main office go full Michael Bay. After this tense moment, you try to kiss Detective Grrr, but she says maybe later. Willmore can’t hear her over the sudden loss of blood to his brain.
Next day, Cook says he’s cracked your case (rude) and you lead a gung-ho raid on the Russian smuggler’s hideout. Here you find the gun used in all the shootings, right where Cook said it would be… You arrest the big bossky and go home. Then Detective Babe arrives and yells at you for raiding without her. “Cook called you.” The words sounding hollow in Willmore’s head. A phone rings, an answering machine (LOL) picks up. Someone is asking for a dawn meeting… alone. “But who was phone?” Detective Hubba Hubba storms off. Bad day, Willmore. But wait, there’s more… Your ex calls. Your child support is late, and your lab tech has radiation poisoning from his Tarakan trip… Wow Willmore, you suck! Dawn, and the clandestine meeting arrives. Introducing X: the coolest character ever. He gives you an alien-killing stiletto – a melee weapon to fight a super strong opponent. Twit – and tells you where to find Skully. Detective Gorgeous appears, having you team up again.
PLEASE CHANGE DISC… Memories!
Skully is apprehensive to meet you but you show her your stiletto and she calms down… No really. She also thinks its smugglers. SERIOUSLY! Have you not read the script?! Mulder thinks an alien landed in the ocean and blasted the Tarakan. From there, you follow that trash from the trucker to a rural route where you find a ton of old box cars – one particularly spooky one – and a homeless guy that tells you it's where black ops happen – not the CoD kind. This scene is so well scripted. After playing a game of 20 question, Golem-style, you get footage from inside the roasted boxcar revealing a dissection and the oil-eye guy.
Cook arrives… Swine! You discover oil-eyes is a navy doctor with a redacted past. Your research is interrupted by the Lone Gunmen – Mulder’s conspiracy hunters – and they clue you in: an alien did crash, nuked the Tarakan, got caught, escaped and is trying to get to its ship inside a secret base. The boxcars are mobile HQs, operating theatres, alien pickup and autopsy rooms too. So much for the romance of rail travel. Onward to Alaska! You find the navy doctor’s house and see uniformed guy leaving in a hurry – one-night stand? The doc is covered in oil and very dead. Not so tough now huh! You also find Mulder in time to fight off some NSA grunts who’ve come to “take over” the case. Your bullets say no.
At the base, you fight your way through guards, run away from oil-eyed Mulder and trap the him in a cage. You also get to tazer Cook, whom you learn did it all for the money. Through all this, Skully still doesn’t believe in aliens… Oy. Cook reappears all oiled up and you finally get to see Skully shiv him. This she’s okay with but not aliens? *SMH*.
You do a victory dance; everyone loves you and they blame everything on Cook. You go home, the promise of an interrogation from Detective Breathless on the cards when X shows up. You go to return his stiletto when he says “Keep it. You’re gonna need it again. Soon.” Way to c**k-block dude.
So much detail!
Lovely acting, mostly.
Save, you fool!
You Died. Try Again. And again. And again. Etc.
The X-Files game was a perfect complement to the series that did exactly what a tie-in game should do: it had fan service, a new storyline and the feeling you were fighting for humanity’s future and seeking the truth. It is what nostalgia should be – a warm feeling masquerading a lesson: The truth is out there.
Comedian, Writer, Actor, Voice-artist. Host of the Urbane Myths podcast, Co-host of GeekXP's 'Release The Geek'. Opinionist Purveyor of Wanton Meanderings. And above all, Geek.
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