Welcome to another helpful info-note about Fallout 3’s Capital Wasteland, brought to you by NostalgiaView, in association with the Capital Wastelands Tourism Office. This week, we bring you Part 1 of a series about the vaults of the Capital Wastes. Specifically, we’ll be discussing the best way to use the peoples’ hope for the future for financial gain.
That’s right, I’m talking about Vault-Tec. Never has a company been so eager to use its captive audience to discover exactly how far is too far in the quest for knowledge. Here’s how their plan worked... and I use “worked” in the biggest quotation marks you can think of... Like the size of the Hollywood sign...
Vaul-Tec knew that they’d need funding to build the petri-dishes housing the hopeful, and that the joining fees weren’t going to cover the cost. This must’ve lead to a planning meeting where someone said:
“I’ve got a horrible idea!”
And another person said:
“And I know how to make it even worse!”
And so they hatched the plan whereby they sold off their civilian clients - the vault occupants - as guinea pigs for whatever experiments their corporate and military/government clients were keen to conduct. This is akin to having a mining accident occur and then delaying the rescue because you want to study how long it takes for oxygen deprivation to suffocate the survivors.
Wheezing: a turn-on for some. Here then, is part 1 of a look at Vaul-Tec’s greatest atrocities.
Vault 87 - The Evolutionary Experimentation Program
In a partnership with the military and specifically, Mariposa Military Base, some of the Vault 87 occupants would be part of an experiment to create super soldiers - because that always goes well. In the end, most of the candidates died, because that’s what happens when you give healthy people the Forced Evolution Virus - the one that made the Super Mutants. Selected vault occupants were given the virus, lied to and when they died, it was listed as “unknown causes”. The healthy people revolted. I was revolted too. Shock and horror, a ton of the subjects - a medical term for guilt-free science fodder - had to be killed off because they became hostile. And the subjects were hostile right back at the scientists.
I’m truly surprised.
I mean, if someone gave me an unsolicited virus that removes my higher brain functions, hardens my skin, increases my hostility and rage and makes me asexual, my natural response would be to test my newly acquired psychotic tendencies on someone else. At least, that’s what my lawyers said happened. If you want to knock on Vault 87’s door, DON’T! Not unless you want to briefly glow in the dark and then take a dirt nap. Vault 87 is the only vault in the Capital Wastelands to take a direct hit from a nuke. The welcome mat puts out 3500 rads/second with a current kill effectiveness of horrific demise in 0.29 seconds. It's ironic that the front door is deadlier than the Super Mutants. However, rumours abound that there are other ways inside. If you do decide to go, it’s your funeral. I’ll hold your caps till you or your next of kin come by.
Experiment Outcome: Success! Kinda!
Vault 92 - The Preservation of Music and Other Sounds
The official story was that this vault was designed to house the musically talented of the former DC area so that music could be preserved. In many ways, it was with several messages on terminals telling of artists making sweet music in various rooms and in several positions. There’s more than one way to blow an oboe, so to speak. In truth, this was another attempt to create soldiers through subconscious suggestion. Pity that the overseer didn’t tell the musicians about the subconscious message laden white noise being pumped through the vault PA system. It’s a shame that everyone went crazy and killed each other ‘n stuff. Total bummer on the tunes, man.
It’s funny how, when you tell someone’s subconscious mind
“MurderDeathKillMurderDeathKillMurderDeathKill” a hundred times a day, that they may just lash out. Either way, it’s an interesting place to search for a violin. Enjoy your visit and remember to greet the Bloatflies and Mirelurks… with bullets.
Experiment Outcome: Success! Success! Suuuuuuucceeeeeeeeeess! Kill!!
Vault 108 - To study Conflict for Leadership and Power in a Vault
Did you ever work for someone that asked you to dig a hole and then gave you a broken shovel and said “have at it”? Imagine then, the broken shovel is a power reactor doomed to fail eighteen years before the vault door opens. Also, you’ve got a ton of guns and no entertainment. Oh, and your overseer was selected because he’s terminally ill or will be, and no one has been given a job. Happy Days! If they were trying to study conflict, they hit the jackpot. Dip me in mustard and call me hotdog!
For some reason, Vault 108’s medical staff responded by creating clones of a guy named Gary. I don’t know why. Gary must have been a really awesome guy because they tried cloning Gary 54 times! Surprise! Each clone got more and more aggressive each time they tried. Surely after 12, you’d call it quits?
Maybe they were trying to make angry clones that would explode from rage. Perhaps Buddhism could’ve made them the ideal suicide agents - rage inside, serenity outside, until they were in range of their target. Either way, if you’ve ever wanted to meet a guy named Gary that only says his name, get ready to do it a dozen times. But, bring a gun. They don’t like visitors. Especially ones that don't look like them.
Experiment Outcome: Gary!
This concludes part 1 of our stroll through the profitable genocides Vaul-Tec created. Join us again next week as we explore how VR immersion and Totalitarianism can be used for making obscene amounts of profit!
*Please note, neither NostalgiaView nor the Capital Wastelands Tourism Office can be liable for any loss, infection or dismemberment. Because you’ll probably be dead.
Comedian, Writer, Actor, Voice-artist. Host of the Urbane Myths podcast, Co-host of GeekXP's 'Release The Geek'. Opinionist Purveyor of Wanton Meanderings. And above all, Geek.
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