Welcome back to my look at C-12 Final Resistance. When last we left our intrepid hero, Lieutenant Riley Vaughan aka Captain Bullet Sponge (BS), he’d arrived just in time for his briefing with Doctor Carter, whose husband he couldn’t save. Heh… Awkward… Carter sends him to get a battery for the resistance’s busted base. Basically: "Thing is broke. Get thing to make unbroke. You have gun. You go." BS must be excited because the drum and base theme music is back. Electro - the soundtrack of success… or something.
So you run off to do your mission and… you know what, this game’s camera can go suck a sack of hornets! It's in league with the aliens. It lets me get blind-sided by every sniper because its too busy performing a colonoscopy. In keeping with the rectal theme, you use the sewer system to spirit the battery unto your comrades. BS decides to take another route, because who doesn’t like getting shot?
Carter’s about to leave with her Duracell when… Dun, dun, duuuuuuun! Her ex shows up! He’s now evil and been cunningly renamed Henchman. There’s a long and windy conspiracy at work here: Earlier on I blew away some tonsil named Henchman. Now I’m supposed to kill the new one. I am also responsible for this tonsil becoming Henchman by not saving him when he was Carter’s husband! So basically, BS is making his own enemies to prolong the war - so short-sighted and ironic considering his eye implant. So Carter’s ex-husband Dan - the world’s least frightening name - takes Carter away and BS celebrates by massacring Dan’s lackeys. Naturally, Carter needs to be rescued because she’s the only one that knows how to plug the battery in… in many ways, I’m sure.
However, it’s during the next text wall that I’m shocked and stunned! Doctor Carter is not a doctor. Carter is actually just the Head Science Officer! See what happens when you pad your CV? Your crazy, supposedly dead traitor husband comes to call.
Death warrant signed, BS heads into the alien conversion facility to save Carter. The resistance clearly don’t want her converted into a lamp or a PDF or something. I was so proud of BS right here. They tell him he’ll be on his own and he responds with a very Zen, "I’ll see you on the other side." Peaceful and threatening all at once. Having established that your support unit have Tim-Tams for brains and gotten themselves killed, you head in search of your next OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?! Some asthmatic sounding, acid vomiting horse spider came chasing after me. At least they’re wearing tap-dancing shoes so I know what corridor to nuke.
Having borrowed the tram stage from Half-Life (complete with headcrabs) you face some sentries. Luckily, their alarms are room specific and serve only to inform them that they’re about to get shot. After stowing away in an empty cargo crate you get to the conversion centre. Here you let rip with a newly acquired alien fart gun ala the movie Signs (ed - Weird comparison, but okay). They say it's a plasma rifle, but I know a fart blaster when I see one.
Observation: BS moves a lot of stuff around the alien base, the plan being to have the aliens trip themselves to death in the dark, I suppose. Still, you slaughter some more dang foreigners and rescue Carter from an alien dentist’s chair before they can drill her deep. Then Dan arrives, sounding like a stock villain, and BS says so, letting you know what everyone thought of the scriptwriter’s work. Just for that, Dan sics his discount AT-ST walker on you, but a few shots later, and its duct tape comes apart and it explodes. You walk off while Dan is still monologuing. Oooo, burn!
It’s time for Carter’s log, where she talks about how she blew the base. All of it? Oh, she means its location. It seems Dan planted a tracking beacon on her and now the base is under attack… again. Even though you kill everything you meet, the aliens still manage to trounce this base too. Then, tragedy strikes. A gas leak! I’m guessing that all the alien corpses farted as one and you have to vent the base before everyone chokes to death, thus proving that lentils are the true enemy. The mission ends with you getting captured in another alien trap. The stupid infecting the resistance must be contagious.
Heeey, someone has to save you for a change! Colonel Grisham dies in the process, and you’re now mostly cyborg but hey, you’re good to kill another day. You massacre your way through waves of your alien step brothers and face off with Dan the Monologuer. He makes the Umbrella Corporation blunder of having one enormous, obvious weak spot in his base. Having proven it's allergic to bullets, you end him.
Your final mission involves destroying the alien atmosphere processors so they can’t terraform the earth. Finally, you square off with the Alien Leader who waffles about being unbeatable and how it's his destiny to win. And then I shoved a rocket up his shield node and yelled OH! REALLY! BUTTMUNCH! Yay, you’ve won… and the ending is as awe-inspiring as end credits can be. The short version is that the aliens aren’t all wiped out, the battle goes on and you saddle up Carter… sorry, with Carter and fly off to continue the fight. How meh. Isn’t it fun when you can feel how the devs just couldn’t be assed any more? Oh well…
Headshots kill almost anything.
Aliens are thick as pig poop.
Farts can kill.
Captain America isn’t the only guy with a Carter in his corner.
Lines like: “You’ll pay for this b*tch! You and your retarded little action man!”
Camera must die!
3D platforming with the above mentioned [censored] camera.
Earth’s resistance is made of dumb.
How is the laser pointer strapped to your face not telegraphing your attacks?
Aliens that run up to you so you can take a better shot.
Carter, tight pants and a crop top are not effective armour.
This game had potential, but like an old battery, it faded with repeated use: use of fetch quests, bored voice actors and a script that’s crying out for a Captain Planet villain. It's an average time waster, and you already have Netflix for that. Till next time, be minimally exceptional to each other.
Comedian, Writer, Actor, Voice-artist. Host of the Urbane Myths podcast, Co-host of GeekXP's 'Release The Geek'. Opinionist Purveyor of Wanton Meanderings. And above all, Geek.
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